A Beginner's Guide to Collegehumor.com

“So what are you interested in?”

“Well, tennis. I played tennis in high school”

“Oh cool! I played tennis too, such a fun sport! So what else?”

“Um… “

And that’s how the conversation goes every single time. Interviews, rush, meeting any other human beings in a social setting…

So I thought to myself- “Steve, what DO you do with all your time?”

Class… homework…

Oh shit, I spend 95% of my time on collegehumor.com, don’t I?

Odds are that you personally have remarked on the disproportionately large amount of time I spend on that website… and even I worry about how frequently I start sentences with, “have you seen…”

But you know what? It’s worth it. Collegehumor is AMAZING! It takes all the work out of youtube (because we all know how laborious youtube is, right?) It collects the best videos on the entire internet and puts them in one spot, and there are new ones every day. Sorry Will, I think collegehumor is the single greatest site on the internet, even if nobody is masturbating.

I recently made a promise to my roommate/physics lab partner/chauffer/brotha’ from anotha’ motha’ Jay Todd. I told him that along with his ongoing education about memes and message boards and nerd-dom in general (JT, I think you know what your comment on this blog needs to be), that I would give him a guide to the majestic beast that is today’s collegehumor.com. So that’s what I’m doing. And I’m sharing it with all of you. So once again, internet, you’re welcome. Love, BK4.

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGEHUMOR.COM - CONTENTS

Introduction

Site Sections
-Pictures
-Articles
-Hotlinks
-Videos
--Originals
--Other

Series
-Videos
-Articles

Weekends on collegehumor.com

Advanced reading


INTRODUCTION:

Anybody can head over to collegehumor.com and enjoy it, that’s the beauty, but at this point, it’s kind of like jumping into the office right now. As long as you’re under 30, you’ll enjoy it, but let’s be honest, it just won’t be as special. You’ll miss some of the jokes, you won’t know the characters, and it might not be as good as it was in it’s golden days. That’s why I’m here to help you. With this simple guide, you’ll be a collegehumor pro in no time.

SITE SECTIONS:

The site can be broken down into four main sections: pictures, articles, hotlinks, and videos. There’s links on the top of the page, but I have never clicked on those. That’s not the way to do it.


-PICTURES: Most of the time, collegehumor sorts its pictures into galleries. Every so often, they will post one of these galleries on the main article feed (running down the left side of the page). This is the best way to do it, to avoid picture fatigue. Note: Be sure to read the captions! Back in the day, you could go to the pictures section, click on one, and then click on one of the ones it linked too... but that has recently been ruined by the terrible ratio of funny to not-funny pictures they've posted in the non-galleries.


-ARTICLES: Articles is a super loose term here, but they’re not videos, and they’re usually not just pictures, and sometimes there is even text… Anyway I’ll talk more about the articles you’ll see here later, under series. These are all found going down the wide column on the left/center of the page.


-HOTLINKS: Running down the right side of the page are the hotlinks. This is a key, often overlooked part of the site. I usually check out almost half the hotlinks every day. Most of them only take a second, and they’re worth it. Some of them will give you a McAfee site advisor warning, I’d listen, they’re not very careful about what they link you to, unfortunately, but the vast majority of the links are safe. There’s a lot of memes to be found here, funny message board posts, craigslist, and random one-joke websites like hellenkellersim.com and tomscott.com/weather/starwars/. Be sure to read the text of the hotlink, because it always adds to the humor. This is also an important time to teach you all another internet acronym: NSFW. It stands for “not safe for work,” and I don’t think I need to explain more than that.


-VIDEOS: Here it is, the meat and potatoes of the website. All the funniest videos on the internet either start here or get here hours later. There are two flavors: original, and otherwise.

--ORIGINAL VIDEOS: This is where you’ll find videos written, directed, and posted by collegehumor staff. If you click on one of these from the main page, you will be taken to a playlist of every original, but only original videos.

--OTHERWISE: These technically don’t have a name, but they’re just funny videos from all over the WWW. If you click on one of these, you’ll be taken to a playlist, in reverse order of posting, of every video, original or otherwise, that collegehumor has. I recommend only clicking on non-original videos off the home page, for convenience. These are also the most accessible for the newbie who doesn’t want to explore the site.



SERIES:

Collegehumor does have some recurring articles and video series, so I’ll just break those down for you here.

-VIDEO SERIES:


--Jake & Amir: Jake is a cool guy, Amir is his clingy but lovable friend. Almost all of their videos revolve around Amir annoying Jake, and the basic premise is that Amir is obsessed with Jake, but Jake is his best friend, deep down inside. In-Jokes you’ll want to understand: Amir always asks Jake, “dinner tonight?” and loves McNuggets, (he eats them almost exclusively.) Jake, for the purposes of this series, has a crush on Sarah, their co-worker. Amir makes up words. Sometimes they do plot arcs that seem like actual real-life stories in the office - they're not. It’s best to start with their older stuff: http://www.collegehumor.com/jake-and-amir/page:9. Work backwards, you’ll appreciate it more. Watch the first ten before you watch anything else.

--Bleep Bloops: This is collegehumor’s video game review talk-show. It’s more comedy than review based, and the best part of the show is the jokes they make about the games. Watch basically any of them in any order.

--Hardly Working: This is the generic name for the main original video series on CH. It basically follows the employees of CH (who are the actual employees, btw), through their imaginary work days. Again, watch these in basically any order, it’ll be fine. There’s basically one important in-joke here: Ricky, the boss, and his standard meeting line of “If you’re gonna use two staples, just use one.”

--Phantom of the Office (sometimes Streeter Theatre): This random character is some sort of weird immortal who loves to talk about how he changed history and knew Jesus. He loves Sarah, and can kill people by looking at them or touching them. Watch from the beginning: http://www.collegehumor.com/tag:phantomoftheoffice/page:2

--Gale Beggy: CH’s “technology consultant” – She’s completely clueless about technology (or is she?). She might be from the future, and all of our stuff is just too primitive, but that’s for you to find out. http://www.collegehumor.com/tag:gale-beggy

--POV: stands for Point of View (obvious?). There’s not much to say, it’s just a bunch of scenarios from a 1st person POV, with thoughts narrated.

-ARTICLE SERIES (best of – this blog’s gettin’ looooong)

Most of these series post once a week

--105% o’matic: just a series of quick quotes. Pretty funny.

--Parents just don’t understand: stories of technologically challenged parents and grandparents, and a funny picture to go along with it. Read the caption on the picture, just like every caption everywhere on the site.

--Roommate Confessions: Did you pull a prank on your roommate? Send it in to collegehumor so they can find out about it with the rest of the world. Some of the stuff these roomies do to each other is pretty awful, hopefully it doesn’t happen on BK4.

--Dating, it’s Complicated: Hilariously terrible dating stories.


WEEKENDS AT COLLEGEHUMOR.COM


On weekdays, new content of all types is posted by 2ish every day. Weekends can be the best/worst time. If you’re a loyal follower like me, you’ll be bored by the lack of content (nothing is posted), but CH also sums up the week with the “Best of the Week” box on the top of the page. This is a great time to catch up on what you missed, but be sure to check through that long video playlist for interesting things you missed that just didn’t make the cut.


ADVANCED READING: Once you can name every employee in the office and start recognizing links they’ve accidentally posted before, you’re ready for advanced reading. To not miss a thing, when you go to the site, immediately scroll to the bottom of the articles column, and click next until you get to an article you’ve already seen. Then, work your way backwards to the first article, reading everything good along the way. Next move onto the original videos. Pick one of them from the home page, and watch them all, in reverse order of the playlist. Then do the non-original videos (there are a lot of these, so do the playlist in order, but don’t forget to scroll down pretty far to see what else there is). Finally, finish up with the hotlinks. Congrats, you didn’t just write your WRIT140 paper. And wasn’t that the point all along?



If you made it through that whole post, here’s an RIDONCULOUS website about furbies for your enjoyment: http://thefurbyfunhouse.owlwatcher974.com/cemetary.html.

Steve- Sworn defender of the floorby

eatin and sleepin

I love LA. I may complain about its uncomfortably bright sun or lack of seasons, but its food scene is one of the best in the United States. I have had two of the greatest meals of my life in the past week, so I've been inspired to share them with you:

THE DREW NOLLSCH FOOD BLOG

Alright. So I don't know if you care, (and honestly it doesn't matter if you don't, I'm writing this anyway) but here are the two meals I ate this week that made it on my favorite foods list.

-- Corned Beef Reuben Sandwich from Nate and Al's Deli in Beverly Hills

This is what I ate today which inspired me to write the Drew Nollsch Food Blog (DNFB). This sandwich was the platonic ideal of a reuben, all others I have eaten in the past are mere shadows on the wall. Perfection in grilled sandwich form. Melted swiss cheese on both slices of thin crispy rye bread, a layer of sauerkraut (just enough to give the sandwich a little tangy zing), spread with Russian dressing, and of course, the crowning glory: the corned beef. Heaped several inches high, sliced super-thin, warm and juicy and as tender as could be imagined. It was amazing-- so good that after we finished eating, Will and I accidentally gazed at each other with post-coital expressions on our faces. I was instantly sleepy, and so full I thought I might be sick. But I instinctively knew it would be the best sick of my life. Even the waitress knew our orders were awesome, after she asked the surrounding tables if their meals were good, she skipped over ours, exclaiming "I know YOURS is good!" And they gave us two kinds of kosher pickles for free as appetizers! Nate and Al's was awesome. A little expensive, but good enough to place on my "favorite meals" list.

-- The Country Boy Platter at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

We went here on Tuesday for Tom's birthay. Good choice of restaurant, Tom. Roscoe's is legit. Tom and I both ordered one waffle and three fried chicken wings, Chad Ochocinco's favorite order. I was surprised at how fluffy the waffles were, and how much they tasted like cinnamon. Easily the best waffles I've ever had. And the wings were delicious as well. They had a really light crispy southern breading -- not thick and clumpy like KFC's. And the chicken itself was super juicy and cooked to perfection. Normally I'm not a huge fan of fried chicken, but Roscoe's convinced me otherwise. I also drizzled a tiny bit of Louisiana hot sauce on the wings, gave them a little extra kick. It wasn't quite enough food, next time I'll either order a larger meal or maybe get a side order of corn bread. A great meal overall, even though we did go to the sketchy Roscoe's in the ghetto (we drove past the South Central gang outreach center on the way there).

A Fable.

There once was a little rabbit named Christopher Maxwell. He could hop farther, further, and faster than all the other rabbits that hung out in his yard.

He had the uncanny ability to snag the most scrumptious celery sticks from the windowsill of Mr. Patterson's house, which was only a hop skip and a jump away from his rabbit hole!

But one day...

an eeeeeevil group of rats moved into the neighborhood. They looted Mr. Patterson's kitchen, stealing all the celery. They evil nibbled on Christopher Maxwell's faaaavorite bag of carrots!

OH NO!

But not only did this wild gang of rats steal food, they also brought with them a nasty little substance: juju juice.

JuJu juice is an ancient rat recipe, brewed in sewers nationwide. Rats drink the juice and feel happy, wobbly, more confident, and awesome.

They sell juju juice to other innocent members of the animal kingdom, luring the creatures in with promises of a good time after sucking on the succulent nectar.

HOWEVER...

the juju juice has a very unfortunate side effect. it can turn even the most teensy weensiest little belly QUEASY, causing animals to UNCONTROLLABLY VOMIT EVERYWHERE.

ANYWAYS..

one day, Christopher Maxwell was minding his business, brutally beating his peers at lacrosse, out-singing the chipmunks, and busting a move that not even the caterpillars could copy.

As usual, he hopped his way up to Mr. Patterson's windowsill and peeked into the house.

THE CELERY WAS GONE.

in it's place was a tiny bowl of juju juice. Being a hearty and curious little creature, Christopher Maxwell eagerly slurped up the juice.

10 minutes later, Christopher Maxwell was having the time of his life. He was feeling great, but he wasn't able to play lacrosse, sing, and dance as well as he could earlier.....

When it was finally time to crawl back into the rabbit hole and go to bed... little Christopher Maxwell stumbled around the lawn, searching for his hole.

He finally fell into a hole and sat down, exhausted.

The juju juice side effect of queasiness set in, and Christopher Maxwell began vomiting all over the floor.

BUT...

It turns out, that this was his friend's rabbit hole, and he just made a huuuuuge mess on another person's floor!

UH OH!

THE NEXT DAY...

Mr. Patterson's two kittens, Jennifer Wong and Student, were prancing around the lawn, looking for rabbits and rats to eat.

But those quick little rats always escaped the clutches of the cats. And as rats are cunning little creatures, they slipped a little juju juice into the cat's milk bowls that evening.

That night, Jennifer Wong and Student stumbled about the lawn, meowing loudly and scratching wildly.

Eventually, they fell down into the same hole that Christopher Maxwell had fallen into the day before...

And the side effects of the juju juice kicked in....

Innocent little Awesome Man, the rabbit who had to deal with all the juju juice side effects, was sad.

But the next day, Awesome Man got hella bitches and got that paper stacked up higher than his rabbit hole, YAH DIG!? CUZ HE'S AWESOME.

Moral of the story: stop puking in my fucking room.

OG.

Who's coming?

http://www.lagangtours.com/

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/16/us/16tour.html

This is why you're fat.

Moms lose approximately 700 hours of sleep in the year following the birth of their child. Bitches weren't kidding... Since the untimely birth of my Hispanic (ish), Esperanza Rising, unibrow, chunkay monkay baby guuuuuuurlll Hayden (my water broke, I was completely dilated by the time I got to the hospital) I've been lost in translation. Postpartum depression. Gettin me some of dem baby bluez...........

I am drowning in a digital sea;
Here my voice goes, to ones and zeros,
I’m slipping beneath the sound.
A song from somewhere below,
deadly and slow begins.

If you ever find yourself at a friend's house after spending the day at the beach and the night bonfiring in the backyard, and ya'll are lookin for a scurry movie to watch togetha, VETO the movie Baby Blues. "On a secluded family farm, a mother suffers a psychotic break due to postpartum depression, forcing the eldest son to protects his siblings from the mother they have always loved." Happy belated birthday to my little purple black Thomas Fielding... (Although I don't think you read this shi3t)... You are now one day older than Edward Cullen will ever be. You can no longer enjoy movies such as 17 again or Twilight, or listen to songs like Seventeen Forever... I feel like you guys probably all hate Metro Station. Don't judge me.

Whose iTunes is named "Listen and Become Enlightened" ??? SkEtChY m0tHAfuCkA.
LET ME IN.
This is my first time being connected to the internet while on my bed.
Thanks to Steve's mad computa skillsz. He hooked me up, literally.

BEWARE OF THE (not BK4) SPRING ADMITS.
Keep all valuables at a safe distance away from them.
Bitches aint fraid to steal shit.

Parkside needs choke hot wings.French Toast Cupcake with Maple Frosting and Bacon
An endless array of disgusting heart-stopping foods @ www.thisiswhyyourefat.com
I hate bacon. Sausages are what's up.

I'm lovin how this site autosaves ma work like whoaaa.

Will someone PLEASE buy me a Fennec Fox, Somali Cat, Savannah Cat, or baby elephant???????????????????? Speaking of elephants, watch this video if you have the balls:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg6vRkw9bbY

THIS WEEK SUMMED UP IN ONE WORD: POOP.
1. Mystery girl "shat" in the middle stall and the toilet overflowed.
Poop particles chillin on the floor, stank up our bathroom
2. TKE boys "shat" in the sink. A big fat one too.
3. I'm wearing my TURD LOVE shirt right now.
Shat is suchhhhhhh a classy word.



Yeah, I know Hayden is a better boy name than girl name.
The stork gave me a bitch instead of a weiner. Suck it.
I got into bed to sleep at 11pm.... it's 1:56am.
It's been real.

Let's hit the slopes.

those damn masters business students

First of all, this BK4 blog was a fantastic idea. Not only is it a great way to procrastinate from doing homework by reading all the crazy humorous posts that everyone has made, but I hope it’s also a way for some of us to stay connected once we stop residing in the awesome Birnkrant fourth floor.

So today I went to Popovich Café for a late afternoon lunch, as I do at least four times a week (yea Trojan), Brought my laptop to work on my first essay for WRIT 130, which I do think is easier than 140 and I am pretty happy about and don’t hesitate to tell that to others who suffered 140 last semester. Got the usual chicken chipotle sandwich with extra sauce and a blueberry B-monster smoothie to quench my thirst. Since it wasn’t raining (thank god, rain was getting on my nerves after a week and a half, even though I’m from the bay, I still don’t appreciate getting COMPLETELY soaked after I wake up in the morning and trek to evk..) I sat outside. The masters business students were having some sort of get-together just outside of the café area. it was more or less a party where all the students network the hell out of each other, but there were also drinks, which got my attention. People just walked out and into the building holding plastic cups filled with a-a-alcohol. I was tempted to walk in there and help myself, but I realized I look a lot younger than all these grad students who are probably 25 so I resisted temptation and kept working on my essay while listening to some techno beats.

DJ Tiesto’s Kaleidoscope came on as day turned to night, and I went into a pensive mode, looking off into the distance at some parking lot with the partying grad students to my right, the flowing fountain of the café in front of me, and one of SC’s newer and aesthetically pleasing buildings behind me. Damn.. sc is so fucking awesome. I really love it for so many different things, one of them being BK4. It’s almost February and I feel like this semester will go by very fast. There are what.. three and a half months of freshman year left for us. I hope this isn’t the case, but I think my freshman year will be my favorite year of college. I dunno about the rest of you, but I’m going to have the best time I can. Next thing I know I will be out on the streets playing my French horn for strangers passing by hoping I can acquire enough quarters to buy myself dinner.

So there’s a little story of my day and my take on the future. Thanks to all of you of BK4 who have made the dorm atmosphere so accepting and most importantly, fun as hell.

-Deli

3 things you can't afford to skip over...

I didn’t know what I was getting into when I agreed to write for this blog. I’ll be frank, I have done a fair amount of writing in my life, but comparatively few of my precious words have spilled onto paper for pure enjoyment (unless, that is, you believe those crackhead teachers who volunteer to read SAT/ACT and AP shit-shows-of-essays retire to their two-star conference resorts at the end of the day with a crooked smiles on their faces).

Once, I wrote a STELLAR novel about a wizard boy. He went to a magical school and rode a broomstick and had wizard professors and wizard friends and wizard dreams... and then some man dressed like a woman (JK) in England found my scrunched up napkins in the trashcan at a tea & crumpet shoppe and ran away with the fortunes of the world. Talk about FML… (Fuck Muggle LIARS!)

My most recent undertaking (forgetting the ke$ha gift from last week) was a 43 page story based off an illustration of a house blasting off like a rocket. It was a project in fourth grade, where our teacher gave us a variety of images to choose from and then base stories off of. My picture spiraled into novella-- what some amateurs converted into a four page, double-spaced piece of blasdfblah- blah-blah, I crafted into a political statement on the myopic and unsympathetic lens through which society views lonely, depressed, drug-addicted children in the mostly-white ghettos of the rural American Midwest. No one read it. Not even my effing teacher.

I’ll leave you with an overheard at USC, a semi-decent joke, and the advice I took away from a day of doing close to nothing productive.

1) Overheard at USC:

Guy 1: "..and then she spread a line of my cum across my forehead and whispered 'Simba'"
Guy 2: "Wait, so that makes her the mystic baboon? That's fucked up all around, man."

2) Semi-decent joke

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

3) Best piece of advice from my blah blah day: Pre-gaming Leavey with a birthday shot for Tom is the best way to accomplish 1/3 of your work for the next day and write a mediocre blog for your friends to enjoy later…

happy hump day, yo.

Not "FailBlog"...Blog Fail

BK4, I've failed you. Failed so hard. Can someone please write my TO paper for me??

"Canis Lupus"

A BK4 Production. Let us know what you think.

Stream of Consciousness = Fail.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Dear internet, you're welcome. Love, BK4!

Dear internet,
You’re welcome.
Love,
BK4!
The first week of the BK4 blog was a fantastic success, if I do say so myself. A seamless week of substantial and humorous posts provided by our seven bloggers, capped off with the public unveiling yesterday. We learned why California is awesome, appreciated MLK Jr. day in a very special way, waited in heavy anticipation for JT’s blog post (that somehow snuck in with an 11:33PM timestamp), learned to appreciate the single greatest recording artist of our time, discovered THiNgZ oN ThE InTeRnEt ThAt wE WanT, watched a bunch of people masturbate, and realized that if the zombies did attack, we’d be better off just feeding drew to them so we can escape while the finger cripple is eaten. Even while the entire world wide web is still shaking in gratitude for our amazing gift to it, we’re on to week 2.

First off, I’d like to say that I appreciate that a bunch of you totally understood what I meant about hitting C once. Now, did anybody get my joke about screens and toddlers?

This is like the third draft of this blog because I started a whole bunch of random stub blogs and then decided they were too pointless (complaining about TV’s without buttons and hotel TV’s without AVI inputs), or too grand to be explored in the few minutes that I had to finish (an entire amazing, amazing website about furbies that I will probably explore in next week’s blog). Instead, I’m going to talk about something we’ve all been talking about over the last few days: “what does the outside world think of BK4?”

Well, I know that within Birnkrant, everyone is trying to match us. As I sit in the conference room writing this post, BK2 is talking about buying BK2 gear (but not everybody even wants it), BK5 still thinks they can beat us as the cool floor to hang out on (with some half-assed one-off attempt to restart human bowling), and BK7 is still not done coming to terms with the fact that Alex is one of us now. There might be a little resentment, but as far as I can tell, none of the floors actively dislike us (because we’re friendly as heck), but sadly, I wonder if most people in this building don’t even know about us. I think we need to do some outreach letting people know how awesome we are.

Outside of BK, I’m not sure how we’re perceived either. People that know about us (Marksie friends), are hella jealous that we’re so tight, and apparently a lot of people know about us because if we’re to believe Kevin, our lovable n00b, then BK4’s fame is widespread on this campus. As it should be.

My question is: “Does it matter?” What does it matter what the outside world thinks? I think we should probably just withdraw from the outside world entirely. We already have our own, complex religion (praise floorby!), complete with various rituals (BK idol), and a holy time from 2-4AM on Friday mornings when everyone comes back from the row. We live in the same building as tro-gro, and we’re just steps away from EVK, the most wonderful dining hall in all the land. If we perform a military takeover of the CSC and wrest it from the control of New/North, we’d have no reason to venture into the outside world anyway.

All I know for sure is, the 4th floor button in the even elevator is the most magical button on the entire world. (except for any buttons in Disneyland I guess). I mean, it literally allows you to step into a box and press a button, and then the box rumbles a little bit and opens up the portal to BK4! - cue angel choir music in your head- (think of it like that next time, it makes the elevator waaaaay more exciting - it's straight out of an indiana jones movie)

BK4 Love,

Steve - sworn defender of the floorby!

P.S: I'd really like to see some posts from everyone else on the floor

Yadidabooboo

Awwww, screw Saturday. My blog posts have to follow those of MC Sticky, hipster bloggerino extraordinaire. Not fair. I'm new to the blogosphere, ain't got a handle on none of this nonsense yet. Whatever -- watch out, internet, I'm about to smash this shit up.

A few days ago, I sprained my left index finger. At first, it was only a minor nuisance. Then I realized that in event of a zombie apocalypse, it would be my trigger finger. Immediately this injury went from being a minor nuisance to a MAJOR CONCERN.

If a zombie comes for me in the night, hungering for human brains, I WON'T BE ABLE TO DUAL-WIELD .45 MAGNUMS!


HOW THE HELL WILL I SURVIVE?!

You never realize how essential one little finger can be until a zombification-inducing viral outbreak spreads to your town from a small primate hantavirus testing facility in Alabama. And everyone you have ever known or loved morphs into a leprous, mindless brain-craver, "OM NOM NOM"ing on human flesh like a chubby asian eight year-old on chicken-flavor Top Ramen noodles.

I suppose I could find an axe or cricket bat somewhere, but that's a cop-out. I've always wanted to be a gunslinger from a spaghetti Western, pumping lead from my trusty sidearms into evildoers and banditos.

...except I want the banditos to be zombies.

That would be badass.
-- Nollsch out.

The Greatest Website in the History of the Internet.

Anyone who saw me last night probably knows that I discovered a site called “Chatroulette”. For some of you, this site may be old news. But for me, it opened up a whole new world. And for those of you who are too perfect in every way (JT) or hate anything fun (Tandra), let me explain what it's all about.

Chatroulette builds upon the now seemingly ancient idea of anonymous chat-rooms and adds one simple factor... the webcam. Strangers can see you, hear you, talk to you, and type to you. Basically, it's like Skype with a bunch of random people. And whenever you get bored with whoever you're talking to, you simply hit “Next” and wait for someone new to appear.

Go ahead, log onto the site. Here's the link.

http://www.chatroulette.com/

Right away... You might see a guy lying in his bed, clutching his penis. Just looking for some good conversation.

Click next, and you might see an Andy Milonakis lookalike creepily stroking a full sized katana (a sword... not a penis this time).

You might think you finally stumbled upon the most normal looking guy on the internet... only to have him type “wanna see my balls?”, flash a double thumbs up sign, then slowly stand up and begin unbuttoning his pants.

Only on Chatroulette is “You guys are boring. Why aren't you masturbating?” the first sentence out of an innocent looking girl's mouth.

You might get rick rolled.

You might see Viv, conspicuously cooking up an evil magic potion in her room.

You'll probably see a lot of well-toned six pack abs (43 percent of me goes WILD for that shit)

On one click you might get a teenage douche bag in a black tank top flexing his relatively weak muscles and asking for you to return the favor, on another click you might get a massive Hulk Hogan lookalike massaging his bare chest.

Some people are hard to let go. You want to know their name, their age, their sex, their location (a/s/l?). You don't want to click next, because you know as soon as you hit the button they'll be gone forever.

But inevitably, you will click next. Maybe this time you'll find a couple of college kids in West Virginia drinking “everclear” out of a water bottle in their dorm room with the door wide open.

You might be able to convince an Asian (not sure which flavor) wearing a Brave's hat that you're in Alpharetta (Tom's hometown), watch him get excited, and then flash him the “A-town down” sign.

You might do a shot with a random guy after he tries on three different colored beanies (the green one looked the best).

On Chatroulette, anything is truly possible.

A couple decades ago, and all of this would've offended the average reader. Any decently normal person hit with this barrage of grotesque images would most likely have been disgusted. And as for the freak who actually enjoyed watching people engage in sexual activities with animals, he or she would either have to scour adult bookstores for hours or take a trip to Hollenback's lovely neighbors in Tijuana. But now, everything is different.

So far, I haven't really said anything that people haven't already been saying for years. It's no secret that the internet has opened up a world of possibilities and allowed the freedom (in the US at least) for sexual deviants and fetishists to easily get their fixes. People have been talking to random people in chat rooms ever since Al Gore invented this thing (In middle school I used to go on an AIM chatroom called “battle” and participate in typed rap battles (sample lyric: “bitch I will control alt delete you...” (I was also once convinced that a random stranger on some chat room was actually Eminem's half-brother Nate)))

But Chatroulette is different. On one hand, the site pretty much sums up everything great about our generation. Anything we want, it's all on the internet. We're desensitized to just about everything these days (except rape, Quin. TV show not going to succeed), and the concept of communicating with strangers in random locations throughout the world is not unfamiliar.

But on the other hand, Chatroulette is missing one of the key ingredients of our current society... instant gratification. Instead, the site brings back a nearly forgotten aspect of past society.... working for what you want.

My parents often tell me that when they were at school, they had to go to the library to do research. If they were wondering about a politician or celebrity, they had to wait for the news to come on or gossip magazines to come out. I'm not going to go on a rant about how we can just preform a simple Google search and find out whatever the hell we want (that should be obvious by now), the point is that there is a very noticeable difference in how information is accessed now compared to earlier generations.

And the most interesting thing is that Chatroulette brings back those hard working and slow moving elements of our parents' society. Any average guy with a thing for raccoon sex knows there are plenty of websites out there that cater to his desires that can be easily accessed within seconds. On Chatroulette, it's not so simple. Just like the old days, you have to work for what you want. You have to click your way through masturbators, six packs, katana-wielding fat kids, flexed muscles, groups of drunken teenagers, and Asians (in the sunlight? At night? Whaaaaaaaaaat?!) before finally coming across a lovely picture of a man... actually putting his god-given manstaff into the cousin of that cute little guy from Madagascar...

(see picture above... couldn't figure out how to get it down here).

If you're like me, you'll scream loudly and immediately hit the next button and hope for a naked girl or at least a normal person. But, if you're into bestiality, you can watch the thing. Enjoy it while you can. You never know when the man (is it real? Is it someone showing a video?) will get bored with you and press next... leaving you abandoned and gone forever.

After that, it's on to the next one...

Just wanted an excuse to show that badass video...

But then again, you might see something interesting like a guy dressed as Batman flipping you off on the next click.

Anything you could possibly want, it's all on Chatroulette. You just might have to work for it.

-Sticky.

P.S. Raymond (G. Biggs, who else, bitch?) called me last night and told me he was on relaxing on a yacht in Yemen and wouldn't be able to post on the BK4 blog any time soon. In the meantime, check out his twitter page.

https://twitter.com/raymondgbiggs

=^.^=

As BK4's resident sick and dying member (but no longer contagious, high five), I've had a lot of time to surf cyberspace this past week. I won't bore you with my opinions on the three seasons of skins I've laid waste to, but will instead bring you a list of THiNgZ oN ThE InTeRnEt ThAt I WanT (in increasing monetary value):

1. A cat to experiment on! At $10 for 35 yards of duct tape, you can do this with approximately 105 cats!

2. A Cupcake Maker. $32.99. An absolute necessity.

3. Sweet Unicorn Tat. Probably around $200? (more @ http://www.holytaco.com/30-awesomely-bad-unicorn-tattoos-gallery)

4. Best sleeping bag / weird amoeba outfit / comfortable sleeping contraption ever. Dymaxion Sleep Suit, you make me smile. Patent pending (aka price unknown). Naps on naps, nigga.

Remember! Blow job scenes are boring! Happy thursday!

meow

Say It Right

Wake up in the morning feelin’ like Will Hagle
Grab my backpack I’m out the door, stop at TroGro for a bagel
When I leave grab my key and my hot munchies snack,
‘Cause when I leave for the day I ain’t comin’ BACK

I love Ke$ha (KEH-shuh not KEY-shuh), for those of you who didn’t already know. “Tik Tok” is—in a word—genius, and her self-titled debut album, Animal, is the best thing to hit the shelves since Now 14. Ke$ha represents everything we have to look forward to in college: waking up in the morning only to be shocked by our new black, (abusive?) pimp-like appearance, losing our clothes in drunken orgies, and skanks, drugs, & boys who look like Mick Jagger, etc. As such, I find it only appropriate to give you a detailed review of her soon-to-be-quadruple-platinum album, highlighting key song choices and providing a couple of the real reasons we love Ke$ha.

4 songs to own if you don’t already:

1) Your Love is my Drug: Sweet. Liberty. I. Love. This. Song. So good! For those of you who still think Blah Blah Blah is new, check it out: . Ke$ha hits the jackpot with perfectly placed pop hooks and catchy, while shockingly striking, lyrics. Yes, I do want to have a slumber party in your basement, and yes, your love is my drug. Keep it up you lovesick crackhead. Don’t take mama’s advice for shit and keep churning out hits that equate love with illegal substances. Mmm.
2) Tik Tok: A classic. A song that will obviously be remembered far beyond its time, in a similar fashion to Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Madonna, and Stacie Orrico. Although if you’re bored with it by now, check out some of these fabulous remixes/covers:

The male cover: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoZ5ssvhsNM

The child version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw74FyWqKJM

I also think the rated-X version should be ready soon… (Dik Dok, on my Cock, but the party don’t stop *moans*)

3) Take it Off:

“There’s a place downtown, Where the freaks all come around. It’s a hole in the wall. It’s a dirty free for all.
When the dark
Of the night comes around.
That’s the time,
That the animal comes alive.
Looking for something wild.
And now we lookin’, like pimps
In my gold Trans-Am.
Got a water bottle full of whiskey
In my handbag.
Got my drunk text on
I’ll regret it in the mornin’,
But tonight
I don’t give a
I don’t give a
I don’t give a”

Actual song. ‘Nuff said.

4) “Blah Blah Blah”: One second, the whore is singing: “I dont really care where you live at
Just turn around boy and let me hit that
Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at”

and then two seconds later, the fiery temptress shows us what celibacy is all about: “Think you'll be getting this?
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Ca-a-ar.”

Way to keep it classy girl. Lock it up. Her moral escapades speak for themselves.

We really love Ke$ha, though, because she is real. And just because someone got an original idea. She’s someone who went with her own style and got labeled a poser. Funny how quick people who say they're against labels slap labels on people, huh? fscking hypocrites.

Ke$ha keeps us guessing. What will your next song sound like? What will it be about? That, IMHO, is true genius. THAT is why I can’t keep her album from decorating my top 25 most played list. Fingers crossed for the Grammies ’10. You got this in the bag, girl.

Here’s to you, Ke$ha. Happy Hump Day (and night ;)) everyone.

Oh, and shout-out to Tandra Le, celebrated feline fanatic among us. This is for you: http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2009/jul/13/cats-purr-food-research